


Shattered

by londonfog_faery



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, The Marauders - Fandom
Genre: Abusive Parents, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Minor Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, Mirror of Erised, Orion Black's A+ Parenting, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Walburga Black's A+ Parenting, sirius black is a raging homosexual, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:49:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24817138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/londonfog_faery/pseuds/londonfog_faery
Summary: It's fifth year, Remus and Sirius find the mirror of Erised, and then they talk about how they don't talk about emotions, lmao.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 64





	Shattered

**Author's Note:**

> please enjoy, hope you dont htink its a trainwreck

"You'll _never_ guess what I found" T'was undeniably James the-cocky-little-shit Potter.   
"what did you find?" Remus replied not looking up from his book in feign excitement.  
"Guess!" James replied with a grin swinging around the couch in the common room.  
"you said we'd never be able to guess" Peter replied narrowing his eyes.  
"You guys are fucking boring" James replied.   
"You found me a will to live?" Remus asked. 

Remus was catching up on the work he'd missed from the full-moon that was only two days ago. Sirius couldn't help but notice that a smirk was pulling at the edge of his lips, Remus seemed so at ease.

"those jokes aren't funny Moony" James whined. "Side note, Sirius you're being _awfully_ quiet, what did someone use a silencing charm?"  
Sirius whipped his head up and started snickering "No I just probably couldn't care less about what you found" He grinned.   
James stuck his tongue out.   
"How are we fifteen years old?" Peter mumbled under his breath.  
"Words can hurt rat" Sirius smirked.   
"Well, I found, a mirror" James said as if revealing something incredible.

The three other boys glanced around at each other. Remus' brow was furrowed in confusion, and Sirius had one eyebrow raised. Peter was looking side ways. 

"A mirror?" He asked in disbelief.   
James nodded.   
"Whats so great about a mirror?" Remus asked with a chuckle.   
"It's not just any mirror, let me just, just come-" James whined.   
"I have to pack" Peter protested.   
"Oh my god you all go home tomorrow-" It dawned on James.   
"I'm not going back" Sirius stated.   
"nor am I" Remus added.   
"Oh, no way I'm not either" James grinned.   
"I'm sorry _what_?" Peter asked in disbelief.   
"Yeah, my parents went to Austrailia to visit family" He shrugged. "they're already there so I'd have no where to go"   
"Transformations are easier here" Remus explained.   
"I don't have a choice" Sirius shrugged.   
"Did you guys do this on purpose-" Peter asked crestfallen.   
"OH GOD, No of course not Pete, We'll write you every day" James exclaimed quickly. "We would never leave you out, just an awkward coincidence, we probably should have talked about it-" He added. The boys nodded.   
"Well I guess you can go to the mirror without me too" Peter muttered bitterly.   
"It's not great, It was a prank, just a normal mirror" James covered. That somehow seemed to cheer Peter up. 

And so their last day as a foursome before the break began ended faster than imaginable. The boys hugged Peter good bye and gave him parcels of Christmas presents, and promises to write. 

"Dorcas and I have to talk strategy" James shrugged.   
"Quidditch is on pause for Christmas-" Remus said snickering through the sentence.  
"Oh, Lupin, my poor ignorant friend, Quidditch doesn't _pause_ " Dorcas replied rolling her eyes.   
"I like how she thinks" James smiled.   
"Me too" Marlene whispered from her spot on the couch next to Sirius.   
That caused Sirius to do a quick double take.

"You two go find the mirror, I marked it on the m-mote-pad?" James said awkwardly.   
"Mote-pad?" Remus snickered just to rub dirt in the wound, he knew what James meant.   
"Asshat" James muttered. 

Sirius shrugged, "shall we?"   
Remus rolled his eyes slightly "Oh _we shall_ "   
"You're in a sarcastic mood today" Sirius noted.   
"You're in an annoying mood today" Remus replied.   
  
And so after picking up James' mattress the boys grabbed the map and the cloak to sneak out through the castle. The sun-set early and although it still wasn't quite curfew, something about using the cloak made everything more intimate- sorry, um, adventurous. As they snuck through the halls Sirius could feel Remus' breath on the back of his neck, it sent shivers down his spine. Remus could smell the sent of pine stuck on Sirius' t-shirt.   
  
"It should be right through this door." Remus whispered into Sirius' ear.   
That small action caused Sirius' breath to hitch. He nodded ignoring the fact that his face heated up and against his fairly pale skin, it would most certainly be obvious.   
" _alohamora_ " He said tapping his wand against the doorknob. The door tentatively swung open revealing a beautiful stone room, and in the middle of the room was a giant Mirror. 

"The mirror of Erised" Sirius read pulling the cloak off letting the door swing and lock behind them.   
"Huh, that's desire backwards" Remus said looking at the words.   
Sirius stared at him in disbelief, "Imagine being that good with words, I doubt I would've ever figured that one out" Sirius laughed.  
"Yeah, you probably wouldn't have"   
"Ass hat" Sirius glared punching his arm.   
"So what do we do now?" Remus asked. They were both staring at the mirror and only their reflections were staring back.   
"Maybe you have to touch something, maybe theres a spell" Sirius shrugged moving out of the reflection to inspect the edges of the mirror.   
"No- Stuffs changing" Remus whispered. 

His reflection was standing in the light of the full moon, no scars covered his body, he wasn't the wolf. He could tell. It made him twinge at the reflection slightly. He seemed happy in the side of the mirror. Mirror-Remus waved at himself. That caused Remus-Remus to back up slightly. 

"It looks the same" Sirius shrugged from the side.   
"Here stand in the centre" Remus offered dragging his shoulders into the middle.   
Remus backed away trying not to wonder too hard about what Sirius would be seeing. Maybe he'd be with some girl, probably Marlene, everyone wanted them to date. Or maybe Sirius wasn't that shallow. Remus was watching him from the side unable to stop creating images of what he thought, or wanted, Sirius to be seeing. 

Sirius was standing next to his brother, parents behind him. They were smiling. The reflection was eerie. Walburga moved to place an arm around her sons shoulder. The movement caused Sirius to flinch, despite knowing it wasn't real. Remus furrowed his brow watching him. Sirius' lip started to tremble, and yet he didn't want to move. The mirror-Walburga leaned down to lay a kiss on his head which caused Sirius to flinch again. Sirius could've sworn he heard whispers. _'We're so proud of you' 'we **love** you' _He hated every moment of it. 

"Remus-" He whispered. 

Remus perked up, he sounded nervous. 

"I- I can't-" He hissed.   
  
Remus stood up and walked into the reflection, the family disappeared. 

"Are you okay?" Remus whispered. 

The answer was obvious, but Sirius wasn't going to give in that easy. 

"Yeah, I'm fine, w-what does that mirror do?" He asked.

"I've read about it, it shows a persons deepest yearning, Or, um, I suppose, desire" He said looking at the words scrawled on the top of the mirror. "Why? What did it show you?" Remus whispered. 

"nothing bad" he said in a voice that was akin to boredom. If Remus didn't know any better he would've thought Sirius was perfectly fine. He was staring at the same spot, which was slightly unsettling.   
  
"Please Pads talk to me, it hurts to see you like this" Remus whispered sitting tentatively next to him.  
"Like what?" He replied. "I'm always like this" His voice was flatlining. He almost, reminded Remus of, himself. Which was obviously a bad thing. 

  
"Siri, what's wrong" Remus tentatively put an arm around his shoulder causing Sirius to flinch away slightly before relaxing into it.   
  
"Moony, why do I still want-" he mumbled choking on his words slightly "What's wrong with me?"   
  


"Why do you still want what?' Remus whispered.  
  
Sirius collapsed into his shoulder shaking.  
"Why do I still want them to love me?" He murmured clinging to Remus' sweater. "I _don't_ but-" He hiccoughed slightly. "But I can't not-" as his voice broke, so did Remus' heart.   
"Pads, it's- it's normal, but you need to know that people do love you and-"   
"I know" Sirius snapped slightly. "So why do I want-" He clenched his eyes shut and dug his nails into the palm of his hand. "Just-" He opened his mouth he wanted to scream.   
"Don't do that" Remus whispered uncurling his fingers.   
"I want to scream" He hissed. "Or just tear something apart- I want- I want to-" Sirius started crying again. "FUCK"   
Remus didn't even know what to do.   
"Sirius please-" 

"I don't want to want that-" Sirius whispered. "I't was so unsettling. He was taking shaky breaths.   
"Hey, hey it's okay" Remus whispered.   
" _No_ no it's not." Sirius spat. "It's not okay that no matter, how fucking much, no matter how many times they hurt me, no matter what they do, no matter what I will _always_ want them to-" He took a shaky breath face faltering into a grimmace " _love_ me" He snarled. He shut his eyes as if he were disgusted in himself. "I _hate_ it" He brought his hands into his hair. To both of their surprise he realed around punching a wall. Sirius didn't even make a sound, as if his body didn't register that it was in pain. His knuckles were ripped open and he must've broken his hand, or at least wrist. 

"Lets get to the hospital wing yeah?" Remus whispered.   
Sirius took one last inhale. "Sorry about that" He laughed, as if he snapped out of some trance. "Don't know what got into me- just, pretend that never happened-"He added with an airy laugh.   
"No" Remus replied.   
"Huh?" Sirius glanced up confused by this response.   
"I'm not going to _pretend_ this never happened Sirius, you always do this" Remus exhaled.   
"Do what?" Sirius said defensively.   
"You finally express emotions and then you turn around two seconds later to de-validate them" Remus exhaled.   
"You do the same" Sirius replied.   
"It's- that's-" Remus furrowed his brow. "different"   
Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Really? How?" There was almost maliciousness and mal-intent dripping from his lips.   
"Because-" Remus whispered. "I don't want to get into this right now just-"   
"Slightly hypocritical isn't it?" Sirius drawled standing up.   
"I- no- It's because I'm not- I'm-" Remus didn't know how to put what he meant.   
"It's because you think your a monster, which is total bullshit, and you never let me help you" Sirius whispered.   
"This is so off topic and uncalled for" Remus hissed.   
  
"So was whatever happened earlier" Sirius replied. "I told you it was nothing, why can't you believe me-"   
"You were practically crying-" Remus started.   
"I _wasn't_ crying-" Sirius spat back.   
"Jesus christ" Remus mumbled. "Will you at least go to the hospital wing to get your hand checked out? Please?"   
Sirius paused and then nodded.   
"Rem, can I-" he whispered, he sounded quiet again. Taking his left hand and reaching out for Remus' right. Remus nodded carefully wrapping his hand around Sirius'. They did this frequently, but never talked about it. 

James was the only one who knew how to express emotions. At least at this point in time. Boys have a lot to learn. 

A/N; thanks for reading this lol. Im' sorry. 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you tips and prompts always welcome! (anonymous prompts can be on my tumblr @nextdoorgryffindor


End file.
